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Communication
There’s a lot to communication that
would be missed by a computer or an observer from Mars. What you say, what you
think you’ve said, and why you’ve chosen that way to say it, are all extremely
subtle in the way they effect what is communicated.
Consider the wife of the guy who says he’ll be home at 5.30, and frequently gets
stuck in the pub or the office till 8.30. She says, when he walks in, ”You’re a
really inconsiderate pig, staying at the pub/office till this time. You just
don’t care ……. If you’d be considerate just once ….. anyway your dinner’s in the
oven ……… burnt to a crisp.”
What she could have said is, ”When you don’t phone to let me know you’ll be late
I feel really hurt and angry If you’d only phoned to let me know, I could have
gone round to so and so’s.
OK, what’s the second version got that the first one hasn’t. The first response
certainly sounds like she’s assertively getting her feelings off her chest. I’ll
explain.
The “formula,” to get across what you want to communicate is to include
The word or deed to which you object.
“You’re really inconsiderate,” is a judgement not a deed.
“Not phoning ……” is a deed.
What emotion did you feel?
“Feel you just don’t care.” Sounds like an emotion but is in fact a belief about
him.
“ ………. hurt and angry,” specifies just what you feel.
“If you’d be considerate, just once.” Literally asks him to be considerate,
“just once.”
“….’phone and let me know,” specifies the desired behaviour.
OK, this sounds so obvious and pedestrian, but read on. Whether she’d have blown
her top or given a display of cold anger such as kept watching the TV and said,
”Your dinner’s in the dog.” As long as his specific behaviour goes unremarked,
he’s off the hook. He can feel justified to himself for staying at the
pub/office because of her, "bad mood.”
He could argue all night about whether he cares or not. In fact he would
probably switch the argument as to whether or not she cared. What he can’t argue
about is his ability to phone home, and his CHOOSING not to do so.
· By being specific about what the other person said or did that offended you,
you focus on just that.
· By being specific about what you feel about what’s been said or done, they
can’t pretend they never knew. If the word or deed is repeated, it’s done in the
full knowledge that it hurts you.
· By being specific about what alternative behaviour you would prefer, you give
the other person a way out. They can explain or negotiate and put forward
alternatives which may be acceptable to you both.
NB
One unspoken reason for NOT adopting this approach is that …… suppose you’ve
gone through all this formula routine and the other person still CHOOSES to
change nothing, now knowing that it causes you anger, pain, distress etc.
Do you get back in line and stop making these demands?
Or do you carry on and risk exposing the fact that the other person really
doesn’t care.
What DO you do?
Some people feel they can’t take that risk.
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