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Mind Games
“Games,” is a term derived from a
branch of psychotherapy called Transactional Analysis, which was developed in
the late 50’s and early 60’s.
A game is a series of interactions in which all the players have well defined
roles and in which the outcome is preordained as to Winners an Losers.
A friend of mine called Mary befriended a girl called Joan who was married to
Joe. Joe was a drinker and abusive to Joan - and a good many other people too.
After one such beating, Mary helped Joan to move into the Battered Women’s
Hostel, sorted out her money with the DSS and arranged to go with her to the
Housing Department.
The following Thursday Joe found Joan at the Hostel. At lunch time they went for
a drink whilst they, “talked things over.”
At midnight Mary was called to the Police Station, where Joan had been charged
with assaulting a Policeman, who was in the process of arresting Joe for
shouting abuse (at Joan) in the town centre.
In fact Mary was just the latest in a long line of people who had tried, and
failed to RESCUE Joan.
Joan was in fact quite a complex character. She would, “wind Joe up,” despite
always coming off worst. She had never felt as strongly for anyone else the way
she felt for Joe. In fact, “nice,” men bored her. Joe had lots of acquaintances
but few friends. He had been with Joan longer than any other relationship and
the same was true for her.
In different ways Mary, Joe and Joan all got something out of the game they were
locked into.
CARPMAN’S TRIANGLE
Carpman holds that in any game there are only three positions available, even if
it’s a two hander, and that there is always a “switch,” where the players change
places.
In the above game Joe persecutes Joan; Joan invites Mary to rescue her from
being Joe’s victim, Mary finds this difficult to resist. Next, Joe comes along
to Joan, inviting her to rescue him from being a victim of the drink, Joan can’t
resist. If, at this stage Mary comes along and points out that they’ve been here
before, she stands a good chance of joining, “the drink,” in the role of
persecutor.
Since people spend most of their time in one particular position, as soon as
Joan rescues Joe, they switch back into their regular roles, and Joe becomes her
persecutor once more.
All three can go on playing this sort of game for ever. Mary at some stage may
give up being a rescuer/victim and go off and try to rescue someone else. Joan
may get fed up with being a victim/rescuer of Joe and find someone to rescue her
and in all probability become his victim. Joe may move on from being Joan’s
persecutor. He may go on to persecute someone else or in some interesting
switches he may go into a relationship where he is completely dominated.
Perhaps the most common game that I see is played out between parents and
children; most commonly between mothers and daughters.
Where there are two daughters it is most commonly the elder one who is chosen to
be mother’s victim. Whilst the younger one is licensed to go off and live over
the brush with a spiv car dealer in the next town, the older sister’s duty is to
collect mum’s pension, do her shopping and sort out her bills. The older sister
is free to do whatever she wishes, just so long as her mother’s needs are met,
of course they never are.
When the older daughter marries, she will, in all probability live near her
mother. Husband and family will have to take their place in the queue behind
mother ……………….. her needs are paramount. The younger sister always seems to
come first in mother’s affections, even though she only call once every blue
moon, on her way back from having her legs waxed - the older sister never seems
to have time for leg waxing.
Of course mother never asks for anything (directly). She doesn’t have to, after
such a long apprenticeship, all the players know what’s required.
Years ago when the game was first set in motion, mother couldn’t cope with
rejection and the older daughter, with a combination of carrot (play your cards
right and you can have what your sister gets) and stick (I’m not going to tell
you what’s wrong but you better figure it out quickly or you’ll get the cold
pricklies until you do) was trained to meet her needs without being asked. That
way you don’t get rejected. One common consequence for the older daughter in
being trained to make no demands of her mother is that she is likely to extend
this into all the other relationships in her life and become constantly
resentful for not getting what she hasn’t asked for.
It’s easier to see what the mother and the younger daughter might get out of all
this but what’s in it for the older sister you might ask.
You’ve missed the point. The answer isn’t to be found in the forty-six year old,
“outer doll,” its three dolls further in, within the, “child,” who had little
choice about whether she played the, “game.” The threat of being frozen out of
mum’s affections still chills the soul forty years on.
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